“Why do we have relationships?” Aliza Bulow asked as she began her talk on “Love: Cultivating the Real Thing” last Tuesday night at the Stroum Jewish Community Center to a packed room. The crowd spanned a range of ages and included singles and couples. The talk was not specifically focused on romance, but rather about how to strengthen relationships of many varieties. Bulow, who converted to Judaism at the age of 16 and now provides mentoring and consulting for Jewish outreach professionals and organizations across the country and lectures worldwide, came in from Denver for the talk. She is an animated and entertaining speaker.

The talk was hosted by the Seattle Kollel and organized by Giti Fredman as part of their monthly Rosh Chodesh speaker series. While these talks are usually exclusively for women, given the nature of the talk and the notoriety of the speaker, the event was open to both men and women. This was a particularly fitting time for the event as we usher in the new month of Shevat, celebrating the beginning of the planting season. Bulow explained that this is the time of year we would need to start cultivating etrogim for Sukkot; likewise, it is now that we should focus on cultivating our relationships if we want them to grow.

Bulow made the distinction between top-down relationships, such as those between a parent and child, and peer relationships, like marriage and friendships, and focused on the latter for the evening, although some insights were applicable to both. She then explained several lessons from the Torah on relationships from Adam and Eve to Noah and Joseph. Bulow mainly emphasized that the purpose of relationships is to become more God-like and to improve ourselves. She gave examples of specific strategies for emphasizing the good in others and being deliberate about relationships, like actively trying to not get angry in the face of adverse events, but rather, acknowledging the situation, dealing with it, and moving on without berating ourselves or taking our feelings out on others. Bulow emphasized being giving, knowing where we come from and where we want to be, being other-focused, and aspiring to a goal that transcends the relationship. Bulow also stressed that relationships, and marriage in particular, are not a one-size fits all.

After the talk, Bulow took questions from the audience. People asked about how to foster better relationships with their children, how to know when a relationship is beyond repair, and how to handle being hurt in a relationship.  One such question was asked about the issue of divorce, and Bulow responded that divorce would be appropriate when a relationship becomes like a person with a gangrenous limb that must be cut off, but she hesitated to be more specific.

As for me, I’m no expert in relationships. I found the talk to be engaging and enjoyable, and I think Bulow’s insights and tips were helpful. I gathered that the audience had varied reactions: some individuals seemed to thoroughly appreciate the content, while others seemed to feel that Bulow painted a too-rosy picture of relationships, suggesting giving others the benefit of the doubt and controlling emotions rather than really confronting problems head-on and working through them. While I don’t know that this advice applies to every relationship, I think it is worthwhile – because in so many of our relationships, romantic or otherwise, we forget to think about actively trying to build and nurture that relationship. As Bulow emphasized, “The strength of the relationship is based on the strength of the people who choose to be in it.”